Dating after losing a spouse: when you are ready, and how to start

There is no set waiting time before you date again after losing a husband, wife or partner. Some people feel ready within a year or two, others after many years, and some find that what they want is good company rather than a new partner. You are probably ready when you want to share your days rather than fill a gap, when you can talk about the person you lost without the whole conversation being about them, and when the thought of meeting someone feels more hopeful than frightening.

If you are reading this, part of you is already curious, and that is worth listening to. Wanting company, affection or simply someone to tell about your day is not disloyal. It is a sign that you are still living your life. This guide covers how to tell if the time is right, what to do with the guilt that so many people feel, how to talk to your family, and how to begin gently.

Is there a right time to start dating again?

You may hear rules about waiting a year, or two, or until after the first round of anniversaries. They come from kind intentions, but grief does not keep a timetable. Someone who nursed a husband through a long illness may have done much of their grieving before he died. Someone who lost a wife suddenly may still feel raw years later. Both are normal.

Other people's opinions can be loud at this point. Friends may tell you it is too soon, or that you should get back out there. Neither of them is living your life. The only timing that matters is yours, and it is perfectly fine to make a profile, look around and then decide you are not ready after all. Nothing is lost by waiting, and nothing is wrong with starting.

Signs you may be ready

• You are curious about other people, not only about whether anyone could ever compare.
• You have settled into some routines of your own, so a new person would add to your week rather than hold it up.
• You can mention your late partner warmly without needing the conversation to stay there.
• You want to share things: a walk, a meal, a holiday, a laugh at the end of the day.
• You are doing it for yourself, not because your children, friends or neighbours think you should.

Signs it may be too soon

• You are looking for someone exactly like the person you lost, or comparing everyone you see with them.
• The main reason is to stop feeling the loss, rather than to enjoy someone new.
• You feel pushed into it by other people.
• A new conversation quickly takes over your days, as if it has to fill the gap.

None of these means never. They usually mean not yet, and they often change with a little more time. If you are unsure, start with friendship. Plenty of people find that a few relaxed coffees with someone new tell them more about their readiness than any amount of thinking about it.

Starting gently online

A dating site made for the over 60s is a calm way to start, because you can look around at your own pace. On Single 60s you say what you are hoping for (friendship, romance or both), and each day the site suggests people who fit the age range and distance you set. You can read profiles for as long as you like before you write to anyone.

• Say that you are widowed, in one line. Something like "Lost my husband two years ago. Back at the choir and the allotment, and would enjoy someone to share a Sunday walk with" tells people what they need to know. Our profile tips for over 60s have more examples.
• Use a recent photograph of you on your own, not one cropped from a picture of the two of you.
• Fill in your interests. They give people something easy to ask about, which takes the pressure off you.
• Take the free ID check for a badge on your profile, so people can see you are genuine.
• Reply when you are ready. There is no clock running, and a kind "thank you, but not for me" is always enough.

Your profile shows your nearest town, not your address, and your real name and email stay private. If you are not sure what to say in a first message, our first message ideas for over 60s have examples you can adapt.

Talking about your late husband or wife

You do not have to hide your past, and anyone worth meeting will not want you to. A sentence or two on a first date is plenty: how long you were married, a happy memory, that you lost them and are now ready to enjoy life again. Then ask about them. The fuller story belongs to later conversations, once you know each other.

If you meet someone who has also been widowed, you may find a lot of understanding without needing to explain. If you meet someone who is divorced, their story will be different, and that is fine too. What matters is that both of you can speak kindly about the past and are interested in the present.

Keeping yourself safe while you are grieving

It is hard to say, but people who have recently been bereaved are sometimes targeted by fraudsters, who look for loneliness and kindness. However kind someone seems and however urgent their story, do not send money, gift cards or your bank details to a person you know only from the internet. Keep conversations on the site until you feel sure, and ask for a video call before you meet. Spotting a romance scammer takes you through the warning signs, and our safety page explains what the site does to protect you.

When it helps to talk to someone first

If thinking about dating stirs up more grief than you expected, that is not a failure. It may be worth talking to someone before you go further: a close friend, your GP, or a bereavement charity such as Cruse Bereavement Support, or Cruse Scotland if you live in Scotland, both of which offer support by phone and online. You can step back for a while and come back whenever you like. Many people find friendship first, and then romance later, and some are happy with good company alone. All of those are good outcomes.

Friendship first is a fine place to begin too: see friendship over 60. If your situation is a divorce rather than a bereavement, dating after divorce over 60 is written for you, and all our advice is gathered on the articles page.